what the fuck am I doing with my life?

So I really want to do that whole “back to nature” thing for the next four months. Not necessarily as strict as ascetism, but something like it. Here’s a list of the guidelines I’m going to have to follow:

1. No Internet. The only exception would be for school-related reasons. And maybe to write on this blog.
2. No television. (The only exception to this rule would be for family-bonding-related reasons.) This is going to be difficult, considering the fact that I live in a house with a television in every room except the bathrooms, the dining room, and the laundry room. Can’t wait to hang around the washer all day.
3. Spend more time outside. Walk my dog more. Ride my bike more. Sleep outside in the tent more.
4. Do yoga every morning.
5. Eat more organic/raw foods. No more fast food/chemicals/toxins. Cook more. Well, learn how to cook first.
6. Garden.
7. Journal every single day. (It might be best to do this in a notebook now.)
8. Love everyone. Hate no one. Be kinder. Gossip less. Do what Audrey Hepburn said about only speaking kind words and only looking for the good in others.
9. Appreciate life more.
10. Be happy.

Just read over that list, and I thought of transcendentalism and Gwyneth Paltrow. Anyway, this is going to be tough. I hope I don’t slip through.

Students from my school protesting (from a few months ago)

Rain is pouring outside. I love rain, because that means I can pull on my rubber boots and splash in puddles like a four-year-old. Yes.

The school year’s almost over, and I’ll be going home on Tuesday. Therefore, finals and end-of-the-semester papers have been murdering me, oh so slowly. I’m surprised by how much I just don’t care about my grade point average any more. I guess I never really have. To me, school is just this massive product of 19th century industrialization, which grotesquely evolved into an institution that dissuades children from pursuing what they really want to pursue, etc. I know I might sound like a stupid cynic, but I used to be a straight-A student, and then I realized how much of my life I was wasting. I did some research, and I realized how anachronistic the whole thing is. In high school and college, my favorite paper topics were usually about education reform, biased standardized tests, and how grades don’t accurately reflect a student’s intelligence. I mean, everyone knows people with 4.0s who don’t know anything about how to navigate through the real world (and likewise, people who do know how to navigate through the real world and don’t have 4.0s). (On a slightly random note, studies have shown that on average, students who get B’s end up doing better than students who receive A’s.)

I don’t have a 4.0, but I don’t regret not spending all of my time studying this past year. Like Mark Twain once said, I did not allow school to interfere with my education. I took advantage of my residence in Greenwich Village every day.

In the course of about 8 months, I feel that I changed drastically, and I feel much more knowledgable than I was in August when I first arrived. I would not have given up what I learned this past year to be on an overrated Dean’s List. Don’t get me wrong here, I love learning more than anything else in the world. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies. I just stopped seeing the point of injecting so much time and effort into such a flawed system. Look around online: other people are discovering this too.

I really try to improve myself everyday. Although I don’t show it, I’m constantly thinking about what I can do to change myself for the better. This might be why I don’t focus on my grades so much… people really can’t improve themselves with 99% of what professors force-feed them. How can I say this, what should I eat, when should I start this, how should I stand, how should I think? I love reading about influential people who are actually making an impact on this planet, or are happy with what they are doing with their lives, because they are who I strive to be like. The other morning, I went to the New Yorker Summit (I really should’ve been studying for an exam), and I got to listen to so many prominent people, like Geoffrey Canada, Esther Dulfo, Jeffrey Sachs, Naomi Klein, and (the love of my life) Malcolm Gladwell. I was inspired not just by their intelligence, but also by how their ideas have transformed into action.

For as long as I can remember, friends and relatives have always told me that I am “too ambitious.” “Dig one hole, not twenty,” my mother still says to me. I have probably dipped into almost every hobby there is at least once, and I’ve never followed through with hundreds of my ideas. For some reason I hesitate when it comes to choosing what I want to do. You see, when I am not fickle and I stick to a decision, it’s usually because I have come up with a negative thing about the rest of the options. So, I have trouble choosing one action/hobby/idea because I cannot think of reasons why I shouldn’t choose everything else. And ultimately, I try everything, only to emerge with nothing.

The Summit made me realize that if I want to become someone, there’s no way I can continue doing this.

Life has been particularly rough on me for a while, as it occasionally is for most of us. I hate this feeling I get. I mean, why can’t I just shut up and suck it up.

People are no longer people. I begin to see them as mechanical organisms, with predictable functions. This is going to make me sound insane, but in some of my lowest points in high school I was able to predict what people were going to say or do before they said or did it. Again, people become simple, biological creatures without souls and emotions, and completely separate from me, and I become completely apathetic to their feelings. Friends become too much work. They expect too much. I begin to see that they don’t use as much energy on me. So I drop them. I’m tired of my status anxiety, of putting effort into creating this image of me. I’m not physically tired of it, I just think that now that I don’t care about other people, what’s the point? The fact that I care so much about others’ opinions and that I’m always comparing myself to them disgusts me.

God, I could live alone in the middle of a forest and be fine. Just send one person to visit me once a month for one hour to satisfy my basic human need for other people so I don’t become insane.

Although I’ve enjoyed visual art more than music for a while, I’ve discovered that music makes an adequate replacement for other people. It’s like the equivalent of having a friend while being blind: you can’t see him in front of you but you can hear him trying to comfort you. With my headphones on, I can force myself to believe that people are with me, that I’m listening to them, and they are listening to me. I don’t have to waste effort on them, I don’t have to sacrifice any valuable time, I don’t have to worry about our relationship. I guess in this sense, music’s like having a free friend. Sound waves make me happy to be with the person I’m not with.

A glimpse of Strawberry Fest

Notable events:
-My cousin’s first birthday
-Strawberry festival
-Friends’ birthdays (celebrating at Hill Country, Cafetasia, getting drunk in the hallway, stumbling around the East Village)

Had a Dim Sum brunch with a few other folks from my building in Chinatown this morning at an establishment that seemed straight out of a Jackie Chan movie, a restaurant members of the Chinese mafia probably convene in. We nodded to every dish the waitresses offered our table, and made it rain in there by dropping almost $200 of our building’s budget. Speaking of rain, it was pouring outside. Rain + Chinatown = fatal bus accidents, according to the articles my parents always e-mail to me.

Since brunch I’ve been wasting my time on the Internet. I always feel grody when I spend too much time online. BUT it was all worth it today since I’ve discovered Epik High. I don’t know anything about Korean pop culture, so I’ve received a lot of “What the hells” from other Koreans, like when I told them that I thought “Se7en” was a group of seven guys and when I didn’t know who Daniel Henney was (thanks to Wolverine, now I do, and my God I am still puzzled by how one man can be so gorgeous). Anyway, Epik High is amazing. Check them out on MapTheSoul.com. I was going through their blogs (I love reading blogs) and decided from their words alone that Myk, who’s not part of the group, is my favorite. I love his writing style (inspired me to return to this blog), and his voice (in both his music and his writing). It also amazes me how much he and I have in common.

I always get ecstatic when I discover Koreans who are breaking barriers. I love Epik High, Myk, David Choe, David Chang, Mr. Hahn, etc. Inspiring, guys like them are who I aspire to be.

I just realized that most of my role models are men.

The Met Opera

So because I’m unable to sleep, I’ve been listening to opera music online, and I love it. I went to the Met Opera several weeks ago to see Cavalleria Rusticana and Pagliacci and I was amazed by the performances. Opera just blows television right out of the water. I was pleasantly surprised that night when I noticed that I actually like opera, but I haven’t had time to listen to it again until now. And now that I’m listening to it alone and just allowing myself to completely absorb the music, I’m appreciating it so much more.

At the NYBG

The gorgeous spring day New Yorkers have been waiting for all winter long finally arrived today. It was above 70 degrees and people were invading every park in town. This morning, I woke up a little before 8am (which is the earliest I’ve woken up on a Saturday morning since August) to go to the New York Botanical Garden with the Hiking Club. While navigating through its serpentine paths and admiring blossoming flowers and behemoth trees, I felt complete serenity, something I haven’t felt in a while. I was happy, almost delirious, in Bronx of all places. I used to hike the trails of Bear Mountain, and I forgot how much I enjoy the activity. Nature truly is something I always forget to stop and admire.  The hike inspired me to garden this summer, to be more environmentally friendly, and to look into horticulture.

I’ve been striving to live a life without (or with less) technology for the last few years. A few months ago, I terrified myself by thinking about a life without the Internet and realizing how dependent I am on it. I’ve forced myself to use Facebook/aim/etc. less on so many occasions, only to return to them. The botanical garden made me want to avoid the Internet a lot more and just live and love physical reality.

View from our table

A few hours after the hike I received a phone call from my father telling me to go outside. I stepped out and saw him leaning against a rail in Washington Square Park! I was ecstatic. We strolled through a street fair where we drank fresh fruit smoothies and teared at shish kabobs, and then went around the area just talking to each other. We ate an early dinner outside at Chinatown Brasserie, and then he walked me back to my dorm.

I wish I was more grateful for my parents. I need to stop behaving like an angsty teenager by focusing on every negative aspect of my life. I mean, I have two wonderful parents who couldn’t possibly love me any more than they do now. It amazes (and scares) me how easily I forget about how much they’ve sacrificed for me.

Anyway, it was a beautiful Saturday.

Some of the trees at the NYBG